the most interesting cat in the world
by YouKnowMewFTW
Summary: In honor of E3 2015: The Royal cat goes missing, and suddenly everyone wants him. Beware: story cliches ahead! Use the buddy system. Lightis, and others.
1. Prince of Purr-sia

**I got all giddy at the thought of the FFVII remake and the demo update of FFXV (so fricking amazing, am I right?** **Ugh, I sobbed so hard.** **This is an ode to my favorite ships and as usual, it's never to be taken serious, okay? Have fun with it, I say!**

 **hello again, cutie patooties~**

This story could have started off by introducing a solemn Prince who's been woefully engaged to a Princess he does not want to marry or it could even begin with a soldier who is assigned to protect someone they don't want to, and even with a lonely, little bartender in a shitty relationship. However, these openings are far too overdone and instead this story is going to begin with a cat. (As only great stories do.) This cat, although, plump and quite pampered looking, was feeling ever the opposite. He was hungry, and also lost, but his stomach overpowered any logical need to be found.

Wandering through a poverty stricken neighborhood held little hope for our dear feline friend and he was a finicky eater. Only the best. Garbage was for peasants—lesser cats. He paraded around this ghetto with his furry head held high and tail straight up as if he owned every bit of the land beneath his dainty paws. Traversing through the muddied sidewalks until some smell parading in the air tickled at his sensitive nose. He stopped and turned to the small rundown building next to him.

Had this precious pussycat ever actually paid any attention to his surroundings, he would have heard a very large and stupidly designed motorbike headed in his direction. Scampering just in time to avoid this careless driver, the cat hissed at the boots of his near-murderer. As they dismounted and removed their goggles, the blue-green eyed cat stared up.

The motorcyclist stopped at the sight of a grey cat at his feet. He donned an almost expressionless face, yet the hints of surprise and confusion eased through his stoic facade. He bent down from his towering height and picked up the plump cat. Our cat companion was never one for being manhandled and wriggled out of his gloved grip only to scuttle into the opening door of this building carrying such an exquisite aroma from within. The driver followed with a sound of surprise after the creature, glimpsing with his heavy footwear.

The inside of the building, much to the cat's pleasant surprise, was empty. He rather enjoyed solitude, which would explain how lost he had become trying to escape the loudness of his own home. The inside was just as shabby as the outside, yet the owner must've tried very hard to prevent that simple fact. The floors were swept and the walls were clean and still the inside remained drab. All of this became utterly obsolete once the scent of promised delicacy wafted in from the back—a kitchen.

The driver had finally approached, he was rambling about something unintelligible in the cat's opinion. He didn't understand the man, nor did he care for their odd language. He simply required food and a warm bed. So, he let his nose guide him into the archway of the kitchen and could hear a soft hum of a woman. She was cooking something only describable as heaven.

The humans began interacting before the woman suddenly bent down to the cat's level. The furry cat sat on his haunches and peered into this woman's eyes with utter indifference. He meowed loudly, " _I require sustenance, woman chef._ "

She smiled brightly, aw-ing and oo-ing, and her hand extended out to scratch his head, but having no desire for such invasions of privacy, the cat out a paw on her hand. Her burgundy colored eyes went wide and she giggled at his action. She stood up and continued mundane conversation that the cat knew was about him, even without full comprehension of their language.

He meowed once more, " _Puny woman chef, do not ignore me._ "

She stopped in the middle of her sentence before walking towards the stove and grabbing a paper plate to pile of scoop of red and yellow bits onto a plate. She placed it in front of his paws and snuck a scratch behind his ears to which he shook his head at. The grey feline would have clawed her hands, but he was fully entranced by the wafting aroma that made his mouth water. This red and yellow mixture before him was the source of such divine smells and he couldn't help himself but to abandon all restraint and dig in.

"Cloud, care to explain the cat?" Tifa smirked at the hungry critter. "Not that I mind, it's just so unlike you to bring home pets."

"I didn't bring him home, Tifa," he grumbled, crossing his arms. "He ran in." The blonde haired delivery man, sighed, "Well, since my appetite is ruined, I'll be upstairs..."

He turned to walk out and Tifa bit her lip. She followed after him, "Cloud, it's not ruined, you're not gonna tell me what's been wrong with you?" He continued to turn the corner and up the stairs and she stayed a safe distance away at the base of the steps. She gripped the bannister and continued to talk in a shaky voice, confidence wavering with each of his steps. "Why don't you talk to me, Cloud?"

"Forget it, Tifa. Stop worrying," he blandly stated and disappeared upstairs. Tifa turned to go back to the kitchen, holding her upper arms. A sad expression melted off her face when she noticed the cat on the counter devouring the rest of the pasta. She jumped, forgetting she'd had a furry little customer.

"Oh! You must've been a hungry little guy, huh?"

She cautiously approached, even though she felt no ill vibes from the cat. Plus, she'd helped save the entire country, if she was afraid of a stray cat, she'd have to rethink her life. (You'd think an unofficial national hero would have a spiffier place, right?) he was purring loudly, clearly content with his dinner and Tifa smiled at that.

Leaning on the counter and carefully stroking his extremely silky fur, she wondered what his story was. She wondered if he was someone's family cat and if they were missing him. She wondered if he was an orphan and how her bar had managed to attract all misfits. She wondered if he had as many love life troubles as she did—no, he didn't, by the way—and if he'd ever did his home again. Then she noticed it. A thin grey collar, one that blended into his fur earlier. She'd missed it in her hurry to talk to Cloud as much as possible before the man sulked upstairs.

Her pale fingers found it and and twisted it around his neck until she saw it, a crystal tag. The name was laser etched into the small, sparkling blue stone. When her eyes strained to read the name, she had to do so twice. Choking on her spit a little, Tifa didn't know if she was amused, surprised, confused, or all three!

There etched into the blue stone: _Sephiroth_


	2. Missing Cat: NO REWARD

**It probably seems like this is all over the place but I swear there's plot in here somewhere. Also, watch out as I make the most terribly sitcom-esque characterization a and feel no guilt.**

 **see ya again soon~**

When Tifa awoke the next day, she found the bed empty—like every other morning, it seemed. She frowned at the sight and wondered if staying in bed forever was a smarter alternative than making an effort to be with Cloud. She was just about to finalize her decision when a raucous laughter and yelling erupted from downstairs. Tifa sprung to her feet, still clad in her shorts and a faded Seventh Heaven t-shirt (leftover from when her and Marlene attempted to make merchandise) and ran downstairs, ready to brawl. Instead, she was met with a much stranger sight. Strange in the fact that she had not expected it, not so much that she had never seen it—or him to be exact.

"Barrett?" Tifa lowered her fists and quirked a brow at the large man, whom was guffawing at the scene between the two of them.

Tifa's eyes then made their way down to the floor and saw Cloud fighting with the cat, Sephiroth. The grey cat was clawing and hissing and Cloud was trying not to fling the damned thing across the room. When Tifa assessed the situation and went to grab the cat off of Cloud, much to her own liking. (Truthfully, letting Sephiroth the cat scratch out Cloud's eyes would be fun to watch with the way Blonde Traffic Cone's been acting.)

"What is wrong with that thing?!" Cloud regained as much dignity as one can regain after having their ass handed to them by a cat. Barrett roughly slapped him on the back, chuckling.

"I'm here for two minutes and ya already gettin' ya ass kicked, eh?" He hooted out another laugh, even though Cloud's usual unamused expression returned.

Tifa spoke, setting the cat down. The cat hissed at Cloud again before jumping onto the counter. "Barrett, what are you doing here?"

"Nice t'see you, too, Teef! Oh, Marlene and Denzel have been naggin' about visiting you two again! 'Cept, now I've lost them somewhere in the house as soon as they ran in—"

"Surprise!" A mirrored set of voices yelled out from the kitchen, startling the entire group including Sephiroth. The brunette duo was holding a small, home-decorated cake with a couple candles in it, "Happy Anniversay, Tifa!"

"Huh?" Tifa even looked confused and Barrett clicked his tongue.

"You two were s'posed to wait for the damn signal! Ah, well, whatever, go ahead...get to it."

Marlene smiled wide from behind the cake, "Daddy told me it was your anniversary of having the bar open!"

"It is?" Tifa tilted her head. She wracked her brain for the date and she was damned to know that she'd forgotten her own bar's birthday. She looked at Barrett whom was genuine with his smile.

Denzel laughed, "You forgot! Oh that's hilarious!"

Tifa went to grab the cake and blew out the candles. She set the sweet treat onto the counter and Sephiroth hopped away—he didn't care for such poorly crafted baked goods.

"It's high time you got out and celebrated something for yourself, Teef," Barrett said. He slapped Cloud's back hard, "Ain't that right, Cloudy?"

Cloud didn't respond. He just gave a pained expression. Marlene tugged at Tifa's arm, "Daddy's gonna take over so you can relax for the day! Denzel and I are in charge of the kitchen! It's gonna be so much fun!"

"Um..." Tifa was hesitant to allow Barrett and the kids run a bar. Cloud didn't seem too excited either.

"No use in fightin' it, Teef!"

And that's how Tifa ended up getting a day off. (Much to her own surprise.) she hadn't known what to do at first. She really had no one to call not find she get out an about very much. She hadn't expected to be kicked out of her own house and workplace. Despite all the strange and sudden events of the morning that had transpired, Tifa decided to make the most of her day.

However, she'd not yet know that her life was on a course that would unfortunately dig up very old and terrible memories from her past.

Lightning grit her teeth and managed to keep the lid on her own temper long enough to make it back to her own house. The pink-haired Sergeant kicked over her empty suitcase in a fit of anger, before throwing a mass of random clothing into it and zipping it closed. She hadn't even bothered to change out of her uniform, because she was to report back immediately for her transportation. In other words, she couldn't waste time.

That was utterly unacceptable considering what they had just asked of her.

 _"Sergeant Farron, you have been assigned and relocated to be the Guardian Corps Rep in Insomnia."_

Serah would've beamed at her sister getting a lucky promotion, but all Lightning saw was the cold, dark and dreary landscape of Insomnia. She saw a centuries-old monarchy taking over the GC, and she saw the insubordinates she'd have to babysit. She knew that's all she was going to be.

Contrary to popular belief, Lightning did not active seek for action. It simply presented itself to her like she was a magnet for trouble. She'd be required to talk at benefits and meetings and meet the monarchy and provide those pompous assholes with whatever they required. Lightning wanted to gouge her eyes out before she had to answer to another power hungry asswipe running a country.

Last time that happened, her sister nearly died and half the population was nearly executed. So, no. She was not happy about having to worry about this country halfway across the world.

"You'll be a respected person—my fucking ass. I'll be out of Amodar's balding hair, that's what I'll be. Probably Raines' idea of getting rid of me, too," she grumbled, dragging the suitcase out the door. She had the entire trip to the train back to the station to grumble and complain.

And so she did.

When she returned and had to turn in her New Bodhum badge for a shiny, newly issued (just for her) Insomnia badge, Lightning wanted to hiss. She slumped in the back seat of the dark taxi and didn't bother to wave at Amodar or Rygdea. She decided to call Serah on her way there.

Serah's contrasted bubbly voice answered, "Hello! Light, are you already leaving town?"

"Yeah, unfortunately. Sorry I couldn't swing by...they were on my ass."

Serah sighed, but not in a disappointed fashion. It was a sigh that conveyed a sense of understanding, somehow Serah was possible of such a feat, "It's okay, Light. Just make sure you call me when you get there. I wanna hear your thoughts on the country!"

"I guess, Serah."

"Lighten up, Lightning! It's almost like a vacation! You gotta think positive thoughts!"

"Yeah, I'll try. No promises."

"Well, I have to go. Noel's coming over for dinner and Snow's on edge about it. He's such a jealous monster sometimes."

Light snorted, "Maybe you shouldn't have introduced him as your 'good friend, Snow', Serah."

"It was an accident!"

"Sure. Alright, bye, love you."

"Love ya, too, ya meanie!" She hung up and Light eyes the passing landscape on the road to the train station that would carry her to Insomnia. She wasn't looking forward to any of this trip and heaven forbid she actually have to cater to that awful monarchy.

"Fuck my life..."

"NOCT! It's been days, and I think my heart is dead! I don't think I can go on!"

Noctis was slumped in a chair that somehow Gladiolus had snuck out of the palace into the garages. He was sure this even belonged in his father's study...

"HOW ARE YOU NOT FREAKING OUT?!"

Noctis finally gave the blonde whom was cradling a picture frame in his arms as he was strewn in the backseat of the car. Prompto was teary eyed and his voiced cracked with each word. "What are you doing?"

"GRIEVING! AS YOU SHOULD BE!"

"Cease your incessant droning, Prompto!" Ignis looked up from the papers in his lap. He was sitting in another (less lavish) chair near the Prince. Gladiolus was bent over in the open hood of the car, fiddling with something inside.

"NO! You heartless bastards never cared for him!"

Glad lifted his head and wiped a streak of grease on his forehead, attempting to clean the sweat from his brow. "Oh god, you never even noticed he was gone until you didn't have a _cuddle buddy_ anymore at night!"

"YOU DONT UNDERSTAND OUR RELATIONSHIP!"

Noctis rolled his eyes, "What are you holding?"

Prompto let out a pathetic excuse of a grunt and showed his picture frame. Inside was a professionally taken photo of him and the royal cat, Sephiroth. "YOU GUYS NEVER APPRECIATED HIM AND HE RAN OFF! My sweet boy..."

"He's my cat."

"YOU'LL NEVER SHARE A BOND WITH HIM LIKE I DO! I'LL KILL MYSELF IF HE'S HURT!"

Ignis readjusted his spectacles, "Nothing's stopping you now, Prompto."


	3. Sephiroth, the Crown Feline of Lucis

**The story jumps around quite a bit, but I assume you intelligent little birdies can figure things out. Step into my mind and its disorganized space. Are you impressed? Probably not. Sorry. So sorry. Anyways, still super pumped about each game...and I'm gonna keep saying it until after I'm dead from this planet.**

SephirotUh had made his way back onto the streets. How? Well, the minute that the girl child tried to touch him with grimy fingers he swatted at her and then clawed the tall blonde one before leaving that dump behind. He was rested and fed and he went on with his journey—the next quest: Find a Way Back Home. He had taken notice to the way that they had ushered the Busty Woman Chef out onto the street this morning after having blown out the ceremonious fire sticks on the cake. Her time must've come when she must fend for herself in the wild—he knew that the poor were savages, but he'd never seen it in action. If he happened upon that poor woman, he'd help hunt down a bird to bring back to her family for her. She probably needed the help by the looks of her own impoverished physique. All her fat was stored on her chest—impractical.

He sauntered through the dirty town and dodged all sorts of people looking to touch his precious coat. Sephiroth had taken a break on the step of some porch to take care of dirty spot on his coat and without his knowledge and woman had approached. She was silent and managed to touch him without his permission and he tensed. Slapping at her hand, she smiled kindly.

It was familiar. He pawed at her hand and he meowed loudly, "Woman Chef?!"

She must've been happy to see him and deemed it acceptable to pick up his precious self. This time he did not fight it. He imagined she needed his hunting prowess; she could probably tell he had the body of an expert hunter.

"Okay, Sephiroth the Cat, since you've been so strangely named, why don't you joined me on my day? I think I need a friend."

He meowed again and she scratched his chin. His chest erupted in vibrations and she smiled at the fat cat's delight. She found it humorous that this cat had shared the name of the country's number one enemy and yet he was absolutely harmless. "I see you escaped the crazy at the bar...sorry I left you there, buddy."

He meowed as if in response. She chuckled and stared at him for too long because her body crashed into a solid mass. She could easily tell it was another person just by the way Sephiroth reacted when being squished between them. He meowed in discomfort and Tifa scratched him to calm down. She shushed him and looked up to see who she bumped into ready to fully apologiz—

"Ew."

•

Prompto was still sobbing into the picture frame of "his" precious boy. Gladiolus had long since abandoned the car's engine, opting that calling Cindy was a far smarter idea. Ignis had left them quite some time ago, because he was tired of hearing Prompto's tears hit the glass of the frame. To which, Prompto complained that Ignis had no soul so he wouldn't understand his pain.

After the sobs started dying down, Noctis asked Prompto, "Didn't you hire someone to find him?"

"Y-yes, but that was days ago...who knows where my baby boy is now? Scared probably..." Prompto's voice went low but it's pitch went high as he added, "...and now daddy's broke...so, so, so broke!"

The Prince sighed, "It's not even your cat."

"Even after I GSP chipped him...oh the utter shame..."

"You what?"

Gladiolus glanced up from his beer he was previously inspecting from the car's front seat and threw a glance at the pathetically crumpled blonde. "Are you kiddin' me?"

"Not a funny pun, Glad!" Prompto squealed.

Noctis jumped to his feet. He went over to his best friend with no fucking brain, and smacked his pretty blonde head, "You did **_what_** to my cat?"

"I uh, chipped him?"

Gladiolus scoffed, "And you still lost him? Unbelievable."

"Awh, c'mon, it's not like I meant to! He just wanted fresh air and I—it was so loud inside—then he left—"

"Yeah, but this whole time you have a tracking device on the royal fucking cat and you can't find it? You really are blonde," Gladiolus took a swig from his beer and chuckled. Prompto shot up.

"I hired that guy days ago and he said he could work the GPS and I didn't know how to—"

"And you've cried like a little bitch for three days straight..." Glad hummed in utter amusement. Prompto sat with puffy eyes and a gaping mouth. Noctis's palm connected with his forehead and he turned on his heels.

"I'm gonna go, I gotta talk to my dad. Comforting you about my cat...unbelievable..."

•

Zack Fair, a ghost (literally because the last she'd heard of him was his untimely death) from a long forgotten past of Tifa Lockhart's—one she'd rather forget. She narrowed her eyes and stepped back. "I must be murdered in an alleyway because I'm in hell."

"Not exactly, the pick-up line, I would've used..." He smiled. Tifa relaxed a little...he was so nonchalant. Not the time of nonchalance of meeting someone from your past...but the type of meeting someone for the first time.

Did he...did he not...

"Do you know who I am?" She eyed him. He had abandoned the SOLDIER uniform and donned a more casual outfit of cargo pants, boots, t-shirt tucked into the belt covered waist. He just like antithetical person in her neighborhood. His choice of colors were no brighter either. He held some device in one of his hands. His hair had been cut, too. He must've don't it himself because it was a borderline hack-job.

"No..." He looked down at the glowing screen of the device in his hand..."But that's my cat."

"I'm sorry?"

"That's my cat...well not mine, but someone's cat. Someone who is paying me a shit ton of cash."

Tifa saw as his hand went out to grab for her feline friend and she moved away. Zack Fair—she was sure it was him—glared, but not too roughly (never at a woman). "Listen, I need this cash. I need that cat. Maybe some other time we could get to know each other." He went for the cat again and Tifa was not complying.

"No."

"Look—"

"Finder's Keeper's."

He tilted his head, "What are we in? Kindergarten? Gimme that cat!"

"No! No! Over my corpse you'll have this cat!" She began to turn away before he grabbed her arm. She spun sharply, narrowing her wine colored eyes, "Listen to me. You let go of me right now."

His unnaturally colored eyes softened and he retracted his hands, "Please, I didn't mean to offend you; I'm just trying to get by...I'm sorry I don't know you, but after I get the money from this job...I'll buy you a bow or something. How's that?"

"A bow? What am I? A poor flower girl?" Tifa scoffed at his ignorance, "Split the cash."

"Excuse me?" He wanted to break out into a fit of laughter. If his ears had deceived him, it sounded as if some stranger had the hall to ask him for half of his hard-earned money! He'd been scouring this entire town for some stupid runaway royal cat from the bordering country. This cat was elusive as fuck.

Tifa was sure this was Zack Fair. She wasn't sure how he didn't remember her. But she wasn't going to let him get off so easily. No, she was going to milk this. "I will give you the cat. I want half the money. I found him. I took care of him. I get half."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Fine, c'mon, Sephiroth, let's go home—"

"Fine...gimme the cat, I'll mail you—"

"Not likely, I'm coming with you to make sure my friend here goes home to a safe place and to ensure I get half."

"What? No. I'm not taking you with me, hot or not."

She wanted to barf at his poorly placed compliment. "Too fucking bad, SOLDIER boy."

 **Confused? Me too. Zack Fair didn't die (clearly) and Noctis & co. haven't moved since the morning. (Ha, lazy bums.) **

**Lightning returns (Ha, I saw the opportunity and I seized it.) in the next chapter. Until then, bye.**


End file.
